My Soul Fire Needs Stokin’
My friend messaged me this morn saying that she has had a weird ushering in of the New Year. That she hadn’t engaged in her usual New Year planning and associated rituals.
I wrote back that I was feeling exactly the same way.
I’ve had to force myself into doing things this New Year that I usually love and look forward to doing over that precious week between Christmas and New Year’s Day.
This year it’s been very blah. Very beige.
My heart hasn’t felt the usual spark and fire associated with the incoming year.
Typically, at this time, I’ve looked forward to rituals like choosing my phrase of the year, creating my word board, doing my oracle card spread for the year ahead.
I’ve been ready to put away my Christmas decorations and get everything back in order and ready to meet the new year.
I usually have hope and an invigorated attitude about certain endings and new beginnings.
Last year, New Year’s Day timed perfectly with the start of a fresh, new journal- the, Stay Focused Darling, journal.
It felt so good to open it and see all the blank pages representing all the possibility that a new year holds.
This year, I’m still writing in that same journal, and it still has plenty of blank pages left.
This is because in 2021 my YEARS-long steady and regular journaling practice fell off the rails somewhere at the beginning of May when it became a sporadic, labored endeavor taking place every couple of weeks. Then even less often.
This year, I had to force myself to sit down and do my Year Ahead Card Spread.
This year I used this spread, btw.
I can say that I did enjoy the process of finding my phrase for 2022 which is really a string of words:
Listen Trust Courage Trust Patience Trust.
But the actual creation of my word board felt like a mandatory job, rather than a peaceful tradition.
I overstuffed my small board with great goals and reminders of things I wanted to focus on, but the words and ideas didn’t feel organically gotten.
After I finished the board, I felt like I had too heavily relied on things that were on past boards, rather than sitting with my thoughts and looking for the fresh and new ideas.
As I was finishing the board, when there was NO MORE ROOM anywhere, several things started popping up. Things that felt meaningful and important- but there was no more room on my board.
New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Eve Eve were scary and chaotic weather days, so I was never able to fully relax around that.
Temps were in the mid-70s and tornadic activity was on deck and actually happening in some areas.
This all left me feeling very unsettled.
My typical New Year season movie fare is comprised of cozy movies from the late 70s and early 80s and even THAT left me feeling tense.
I kicked it off with, The Four Seasons, which def had the vibe and the look I was in for but because I was already so feeling anxious, I hated it.
Here’s why—It was two hours of three couples either yelling or overacting the whole time. And the end was immensely unsatisfying.
Carol Burnette gets two thumbs up though.
I will say that an old favorite, Only When I Laugh, did come through for me.
I loves me some Marsha Mason and Kristy McNichol is great in this. It did hit the spot.
For my recovery people who have never seen, Only When I Laugh- it’s about a woman, a mother and a working actor in NYC, just getting out of rehab and navigating re-entry into real life.
And Marsha Mason rocks some fab, early 80s, full-length wrap with smart hat looks. Love.
I toyed with revisiting another fav, The Goodbye Girl, but decided that in my current state of mind, Richard Dreyfuss was going to get WAY on my nerves with his whiney, excitable demeanor.
I’m save revisiting The Goodbye Girl movie for another time…
But we can go ahead and remember the song today…
Spoiler- the vid is kinda like watching a mini movie version- start to finish— but without having to hear Dreyfuss whine…
I should say that this really is a good movie- including Dreyfuss…
So, I’m just out of sorts this New Year Season but as I’ve been writing this, it occurs to me that I am yet again enforcing made up, arbitrary rules upon myself.
I used to do this all the time- create these little laws for myself.
It’s a control thing that I used to never notice but now I sometimes catch myself. It’s such a weird habit.
And by catching myself this time, it also occurs to me that I’m free to tear up the word board I made around my 2022 words and make a new one.
I’m free to leave the journal from 2021 half unfinished with all those blank pages remaining and move the fuck on.
I have a beautiful, fresh journal sitting on the shelf right now.
I looked at longingly a few days ago and sighed as I thought about how long it was going to take me to get to it.
But what the fuck? I can get to it today.
And I’m going to.
And I just did.
And here it is.
And I’m movin’ on.
Happy New Year, 2022