Owning My Voice
I’ve dreamed a thousand times about being here, on this page, with you.
I’ve thought about the fantastic things that might happen if I stepped into my voice and owned that motherfucker.
Like with so many other things in my life, fear has kept me from stepping in sooner.
More specifically, the fear of other people’s judgement of me when I offer a more complete picture of who I am.
And, full disclosure, that fear of judgement from other people isn’t something I’ve completely gotten over just yet.
I’ve just decided to step over it and keep walking.
Walking forward with lingering anxieties about how others, particularly those who know me or think they know me, will judge me.
But, I have to say, it feels pretty fucking great to be here at this point because I. Am. Exhausted.
This hiding giant pieces of myself has been a full-time job and I’m ready to take that job and shove it.
I’m tired of caring about what other people may or may not think about me.
And I realize that “they” think about me much less than I worry about “them” thinking about me.
Back in 2014, the first time I attempted to stop drinking, I learned the true meaning of two words that I thought I already knew the definitions of but did not:
boundaries and perfectionism.
I’ll save boundaries for another day.
Perfectionism sounds like one thing, but it’s actually another.
It sounds like a word that describes someone who always has to have a neat house, a spotless car and meticulously pressed clothes, with every hair in place.
But that’s not it at all and none of those things would describe me, by the way.
This Psychology Today article is a good place to start if you want to understand perfectionism-- but if you aren’t in for the full read, here are some highlights:
Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks.
What makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation.
They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.
Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressures, such as the desire to avoid failure or harsh judgment.
Perfectionists set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and others.
They are quick to find fault and are overly critical of mistakes.
They tend to procrastinate a project out of their fear of failure.
They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success. Instead, they look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.
Mmmmmm…Relating….Anyone else?
Since I removed alcohol from my life, I’ve learned so much about myself.
I learned that I had 1000 ongoing arbitrary rules I imposed upon myself and everyone else in my life.
I began to see that I kept myself REALLY busy by monitoring and attempting to control everything that I was doing as well as what everyone else was doing.
My anxiety was through the roof, but I didn’t understand the definition of that word either.
I thought I was moody, impatient and angry- and that’s just how I was.
Period.
I’m pretty sure a lot of other people thought that’s just how I was too.
Becoming aware of my anxiety and perfectionism and understanding how they show up for me has started me on the road to quieting them.
This stuff is deeply embedded in my brain and shifting these old thoughts (a.k.a. false beliefs) as they come up daily is something I have to pay constant attention to.
As you read these words, you are a part of my efforts to move past my anxiety and perfectionism and fear of being judged by others.
And you are witness to my efforts to stop judging myself (and others) in negative, unproductive ways.
Criticism and judgement are cowardly devices.
I’ve been a receiver and I’ve been a perpetrator for much of my life.
I hope that here I will create deeper connections with people already in my life as well as make connections with new friends.
And I want to add- if what I’m saying and how I’m saying it doesn’t align with you, then please go around me and keep walking down your own road...
I’m no longer interested in feeding the people-pleasing part of myself that has run the show for so long.
Brené Brown famously said:
“If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback.
There are a million cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never be brave with their own lives, but will spend every ounce of energy they have hurling advice and judgement at those of us trying to dare greatly.
Their only contributions are criticism, cynicism, and fear-mongering.
If you’re criticizing from a place where you’re not also putting yourself on the line, I’m not interested in your feedback.”
Being here, on this page is a real, human, action step and I feel good and I feel brave for having taken it and I’m going to keep walking.